Bottle it up

Passive Aggressive behavior can be a real problem for some people. I'm one of those people. Starting out in life as a very bossy, almost overbearing kindergartener, I was also a bit of a bully, I continued along that way for a while. I don't remember the exact day when this behavior stopped, but it was somewhere in high school when my obedient little sister decided not to listen to me anymore. I could no longer get anybody else to do what I wanted, and there were a lot of things going on in high school that I couldn't stand up for myself for because they were coming from the teachers and the principal. I almost got expelled for insubordination for trying to stand up for myself to the principal, so I think that's about the time I became passive aggressive. It continued on into my adult life, and unfortunately, at one point, had manifested itself deeply in my relationship with my boyfriend.
I think it is safe to say that I could never be called a push over, but it may appear that way to some people. I do stand up for myself when people push me too far, but I always like to be the good guy, I always like to be patient, and show only my best side. This is dangerous though. If you never stand up for anything people will think you have no ideas of your own, you have no self-respect, or in a relationship setting it can even take on the charateristics of looking like you're "whipped." However, these aggressive feelings will only continue to store up, you may think you can just let them go, and it is true, you should not sweat the small stuff, a lot of things if you let them go, you will realize that they are not a big deal and things could have gotten a lot worse if you had brought them up. If you are constantly bring up every tiny little thing that bothers you, maybe there is too much that bothers you, and you will just turn into a negative nag that way.
How do you decide what to bring up and what to leave alone? How do you know when and how to bring something up? If something really really bothers you, and it is infringing on your rights as a human, or on your happiness, or your time, and is directly affecting you in some way, it needs to be addressed. For example, if you're significant other always says he/she will call, or that he/she is going to do something and doesn't do it, this is directly affecting you. This is also a sign of his/her lack of respect for you and your time. They may not, and probably don't mean it to be that way, and they may not even realize that they are doing it. Sometimes men will do that because they think it makes you feel better, and it takes them off the hook for a while, when what it is really doing is eradicating your trust in anything they say, and making themselves seem very unreliable. Guys don't like to tell you they can't do something though, because they're afraid you'll get mad, so they think it is better to say they will and then just apologize later. How do you handle this situation and when is the best time to bring it up? First of all, this has probably been going on for a while, and now you are finally at a point where you can't take it anymore. Don't explode and don't bring up every past incident that they have done this. Wait until it happens again, this gives you an opportunity to address the problem. Be calm, and talk to them in person if you can, I know we have all this technology with texting, emails, and phones, and it's easy to sound calm when you aren't talking face to face with them, but it does not convey how you feel, and it will not have as strong of an affect. So just be calm, and say something like, "When you don't do what you say you are going to do, it makes me feel like you don't respect me and my time, if you are too busy to get to something or you don't have time to hang out today, just tell me. I won't be mad, because then I will have a better idea of what to expect from my day." This states the action he/she is doing to upset you, asserting how it affects you, and giving them a solution to the problem that is easy and will be more beneficial to both of you.
Some problems go much deeper than this though, and sometimes you have so much bottled up that you reach a point where you really just want to explode, the best way to deal with this is to let it out slowly. Start with the smaller things, and let them out as they come at you, and work up to the bigger and more complicated issues. Do this over a period of time, and continue to try to deal with other things that come at you in the mean time by dealing with them immediately and not adding them to the pile. Soon, the issues will be out, which will make them easier to deal with. You and you're partner can't deal with something if he or she doesn't even know that there is a problem. You may have to reach a compromise on some times, and your partner may have issues that they need to get out too, and this will help them to open up as well, and ultimately you will be a stronger couple with much better communication skills. Don't act like everything is fine when it's not!
A very important thing to do when you are trying to deal with all of these issues though, is not to lose sight of the positive! Don't just zero in on all the things you want to change in your partner or your relationship, you can't change a person, so if there is a lot you want to change, maybe you are not with the right person. For every issue that you find, try to find something that you really like about your partner. This doesn't have anything to do with making excuses for or justifying their behavior. Maybe you're significant other is always late for dinner but always does the dishes afterward, this is something positive about the situation, they may be doing that to make up for the fact that they are always late, but there is still something positive in the situation, and it shows that your partner does respect you and is trying to show that he/she cares.
So get out there, pour your problems out of the bottle slowly, and keep a positive image in your head of you and your partner communicating constructively.